To Whom It May Concern:
I have been a loyal member of 24 Hour Fitness in Pearl Kai for years now and I've never really had a problem with the place. Over time, as more and more people joined up and quality began to lag here and there, I stayed true to my membership. Sure, the mandatory towel rule was rarely enforced, and sure, the lines at the cardio machines were verging on ridiculous, and sure, finding free weights had become akin to a minor scavenger hunt, but I kind of let that all slide. I was happy enough. Things weren't perfect, but it's such a pain to change gyms, and I wasn't going to leave Pearl Kai 24 Hour Fitness unless I felt like I really had to. And this week happened.
For a while now, I’ve been going with my parents to the gym and getting in fine. I’ve had my ID every time and they would always let me in. Maybe I would forget it a couple of times but the worker would still let me in. But this time was ridiculous. The same drill went down, we moseyed in and they scanned my parents’ card, so they proceeded to the gym floor. But when the worker got to me, she asked me for my ID, and lucky me, I forgot it at home. She started to give me the whole “No ID” policy. As I started to get frustrated, I just left the gym.
Not only was I frustrated. But I was also surprised at the ridiculous attitude she gave me and my parents prior to scanning the card. We could tell that she did not want to work. Her face was filled with unhappiness and didn’t want to argue with me about my ID issue. Thus lead to not letting me in. I know it’s a rule where you need an ID but how come she never asked my parents? Plus, the way she presented herself to me. I now go to the gym in Millilani, and whenever I forget my ID, they just ask me to verify my birthday or my address…easy right? And the workers there are so much nicer and are much livelier.
I hope this letter addresses other people’s problems too. I am sure that I am not the only victim of frustrated workers. Although I have already switched to the Millilani gym, I’d hate to never go back to Pearl Kai. I’m sure there should be some kind of way to ensure that it is me without needing my ID.
Sincerely,
Andrew Tran
3 comments:
Andrew, I liked your letter. My dad goes to that 24 Hour Fitness so I know that much about the place. It was clear that you liked that gym and it was hard for you to switch even though that event caused you to. Your paper flowed nicely starting with your past experience, the beinging of the event, the climax, and the resolution. As for voice, there was some because you expressed how the employee had made you feel. There were good words like moseyed and there were words that flowed nicely together.There was a variety of short and long sentences that enforced your feelings toward the gym. No grammer errors. Overall, good paper.
Andrew,
very good paper. You established voice very well, because throughout the entire essay the reader can definitely see how much you were offended by the incident. It was also really nice how you made it clear how at first you really enjoyed the gym, and how at the end you pointed out that you would someday like to return, although you already switched to the 24 hour fitness in mililani. no grammar errors that I saw. very good.
Hi Andrew,
Your letter has a lot of specific information about the condition and policies of 24 Hour Fitness. For your revision, I would suggest working on the organization, grouping and paragraphing elements together. For example, your "con" about what you like with the facility should be in one paragraph, then the incident with the ID in another, and then the recommendations in another.
I would also recommend a second look at the "con"...you talk about what you like at 24 Hr, but do it in a somewhat sarcastic way..."lines verging on the ridiculous" etc...you mention those in your section on loyal membership...it seems that they should be part of the things you want to change, along with the surly employees?
Perhaps what would help in your revision is if you think about it and decide exactly what you'd like changed about the facility and then clearly state those things.
If this sounds confusing, come by and let me know and I'll try to explain it...it's kind of hard in writing and I'm getting kind of confused myself here :)
mrs s
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